In the darkness (only your breath keeps me alive)
by Vilian
Summary: Yet another near-death experience in the lives of Jyn and Cassian, perhaps the last and final one. "Don't leave me alone, and don't make me kill you, don't make me kill us..."


_A/N1: Blood & angst, my specialty apparently. The story's darker than usual in many ways, and is much more naive too; please enjoy nonetheless._

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"Don't make me do this, Cassian. Don't force me to make that decision for both of us. Please, wake up..."

Silence. Just her heavy, yet tear-void sobs and his shallow, but regular breathing. Other than that, it's all silence. And complete darkness.

"Wake up, I beg you Cassian, just wake up, please wake up..."

Jyn has no idea for how long already this is her mantra, her chant and prayer. But despite hoarse throat, despite dry tongue and crusty blood on her lips, she repeats her pleas over and over again, in vain effort to get a response from unconscious Cassian. He lies on his back on the ground, she keeps his head propped on her lap, with her legs stretched straight in front of her, aching back resting against the part of wall that seemed stable enough to support her sagging weight. With one hand she cradles Cassian's neck, and with other she squeezes his hand, their palms already stuck together with thickening blood. Jyn's not sure if the blood is mostly hers or his, from her own shallow injuries or maybe nasty cut she was able to feel on his head. Either way, he's alive but unconscious, and she's suddenly so very afraid to take responsibility for both of their lives, and fate of the whole Rebellion as well.

"Please Cassian, just wake up and tell me what to do. Don't want us to die, not now..."

Jyn stops her frantic begging every once in a while, to listen to Cassian's reassuring breathing. Those breaths of his, and their hands clamped together make her lifeline in the sea of engulfing darkness. This horrible place, it does remind her of the cave she dreads so much, that haunts her sometimes. That cave could be the end of her life, all those years ago, and yet she survived there, all alone in the darkness. It'd be an irony if she were to die in a ruined damp cellar so similar to that place. But she's not alone here, is she? And she does have a choice whether to die quickly now or to wait for a miracle, doesn't she? Or perhaps it wouldn't be a miracle to wait for, but instead a slow painful death from Imperial hands, followed by the death of everyone involved in Alliance she ever knew, the rest of Rogue One crew included?

"I know you, you keep on coming back for me, so do this again and come back, please. Don't leave me alone, and don't make me kill you, don't make me kill us..."

The Empire will be back for them, Jyn is quite sure of that. They're in the middle of a basement that used to be a part of Rebellion-friendly house. Rogue One was sent to pick up a defecting Imperial officer, but something went wrong - all they could find at the spot were dead bodies of the family the house belonged to, and the body of a said defector, all with blaster burns. It was obvious that the team was in grave danger, but Cassian still insisted on checking the cellar, for there was a smuggler-type secret compartment that perhaps wasn't cleaned up yet. She had a bad feeling about it, so sent Guardians back to the ship, to Bodhi and K2, and followed Cassian to watch his back. When they entered the room, either explosives from a booby trap went off, or maybe the building was destroyed by Imperial heavy cannons, that wasn't really important. More important was the fact that Jyn woke up in complete darkness, with dust in her eyes and mouth, and rubble on her back.

"Please, get up, just get up..." 

When her panic slightly subdued and she found herself capable of movement and with no serious injuries present, she started to blindly crawl around in search for Cassian. It was a brief search, as he was nearby, bleeding and unconscious, but without any major external injuries either - at least judging by whatever she could feel. And as long as he was breathing, Jyn could and would stay by his side, waiting for him to wake up. There was nothing else to be done apart of just waiting, as both of their comms appeared to be busted, she could tell just by touch.

"Don't give me that shit, Andor - get up now, get us out of here! You kriffing stubborn fool, get us out! I don't want us to die!"

She's unaware that she's shouting at someone unable to hear her. She's unaware of her raised voice at all, until screaming burns the rest of energy she has and leaves her completely exhausted. She's suddenly so tired she's barely able to reach to her jacket's collar, to a secret inner pocket where her lullaby pill lies hidden. Of course, with her luck - exactly that, bad luck, not Force doings - she just has to die from her own hands, killing her job partner and friend and who knows what else first. Jyn always knew she'd die some undignified kind of death, like starvation, or something sharp between her ribs in an Imperial labour camp, but not like that: not by killing someone closest to her, and then following him, just because these are the procedures for Rebellion spies, special ops or whatnot; not because of a way to escape Imperial tortures, way to not give away a single word on the Alliance and its people.

"Please..."

There is still this nasty salty-metallic taste of blood and tears lingering in her mouth. She thinks with a pang of pain in the heart, that so far it had always meant living - and now it means death, the last taste before the pill. And because Jyn turns up to be a coward, she doesn't even have any truly sweet memories of Cassian to relive before their very end, even though they're huddled together now. Always playing with risk, this time she had no courage to do anything with all these unnerving feelings, things accompanying her in last months: the warmth building up inside her whenever she was near Cassian, her skin burning whenever he accidentally brushed past her or heart rate accelerating when he was looking at her. She was afraid of being turned down, of what would happen to their relationship later, of the team reaction to the aftermath of possible rejection. But now? They are meant to die, it's only a matter of minutes now. Jyn bends her knees and pulls her legs closer, tugging Cassian's head and upper torso up and painfully slowly leans over him, oblivious to screams of her bruised back. She presses a light kiss to his lips, his lips soft and warm and sweet, and it's just like she had always imagined, ever since Scarif turbolift. Drowning in emotions that suddenly flood her, Jyn is letting herself forget the other reason she's so close: the need to find Cassian's lullaby pill. Her own won't be enough for the two of them, but just for this moment, it's not what she wants to think of. For now, she just imagines she's allowed to do this, she's allowed to wrap her arms around him; that whatever her feelings are called, he feels the same, and responds to her innocent kiss with a passion of his own.

"Please, wake up, that's the only thing I ask of you. If you want to, I will never again go on a mission with you, will never speak to you again, will never touch you or even look at you, just please wake up..."

No miracle happens, because why would it? Cassian is still unresponsive, and Jyn retrieves his pill surprisingly easily. And it's time to make use of the pills - there's a noise coming from above, a commotion of some kind, and bricks start crumbling on her head. She hovers over him protectively, and whispers her final words.

"It's over now, Cassian. There are so many things I wish I'd tell you sooner. This one time I wish I'd act on instinct and tell you I fell in love with you. I'm telling you now, because this is my last chance. I love you, Cassian. Goodbye..."

If she'd still have any tears left, she'd cry them now - now, that she has to make sure that the most important person in her life dies. At least she's supposed to follow him, and she will - not just because of the procedures, but simply because life without him won't be possible anyway.

"I'm so, so very sorry..."

Jyn keeps one of pills ready, and gently tries to pry the other between Cassian's teeth, when he suddenly shudders and she feels his hand getting a firm hold of her wrist. The pill slips from her - suddenly shaky - fingers and gets lost somewhere in the darkness. Jyn doesn't really know whether to focus on it or on Cassian; maybe he already got the pill and soon it will start doing its job, so it doesn't really matter whether he's regaining consciousness for longer than a fracture of second or not?

"Wait, Jyn..."

His hold is still firm when she yanks her hand away; her gut instinct is to cover her face, to stifle another series of sobs. Her confusion is overwhelming: both happy upon hearing Cassian's croaky voice and feeling his touch, and devastated due to severity of situation, she has no idea what happens next, how to act next. She's prepared to die though, so makes the second pill ready. She still needs to kill Cassian, so the pill is for him, and she may try and slice her wrists with a sharpened belt buckle instead - messy and slow, but gets the job done in the end just as well; no Imperial medic will be able to save her for questioning.

"Jyn, don't... It's Kay..."

Jyn straightens up abruptly. The movement sends wave of pain down her spine, but doesn't shift her attention from processing the thing she has just heard. In fact, she's so focused on the strange news that doesn't even notice Cassian scrambling from her lap to more upright position, most probably kneeling. It's only when she finds herself in his fierce embrace, she's fully aware of Cassian's actions. Jyn's arms are tightly pinned against her sides, and side of her face is leaning against him, buried in his chest; there's not much she can do about the position without risking worsening his possible injuries with her struggle. She doesn't want to fight anyhow; Cassian's breath in her dusty hair is a wonderful feeling, and - was that a kiss he has just placed against the top of her head?

"Don't cry, we'll be fine. It's Kay, we're getting out of here"

By the Force, how can he be so ridiculously sure that it's not the Empire digging inside the ruins? Jyn can't stop wondering about it, and about the fact how long is he going to keep them like that; her back may hurt horribly, but she's not going to move until it's absolutely necessary, so she's worried about his wounds and state of mind much more than hers.

"I managed to send encrypted message to Kay before everything blew up, and just got a signal in response. He wouldn't send one if there were Imperials nearby"

Indeed, once in every few seconds there's a strange quiet buzzing coming from seemingly shattered comm in his pocket. Engulfed in her mixed emotions, Jyn didn't notice the faint sound earlier, can't recall at all for how long it was present in the dark. Still, instead of getting them up, getting ready for probable rescue, Cassian maintains the close contact in awkward and uncomfortable position, and she can't help but to think what this is all about. Especially now, that he in turns takes deep breaths and clears his throat, as if getting ready for a longer speech.

"You know, I've heard you. Some things you said... I really wish you'd tell me sooner, because I'm a coward, couldn't force myself to be the one.. to start this conversation. And I know how close we were today to not even having it at all..."

Is that how madness looks like? Among Saw's people there were stories told, stories of people who went mad because of long lone dwell in dark, enclosed spaces; madness that was eating one's brain because of darkness, cold, hunger and proximity of comrades unresponsive or simply dead. Jyn is quite sure it's either that, or she unknowingly took the lullaby pill and the poison turns her last seconds into an incredibly real dream. It does reminds her of reality so much; her body is suddenly able to shed fresh tears and it feels pain, and steady hold of Cassian's arms around it, and even his warm breath. If this is a final dream of hers, she doesn't want to wake up at all.

"Jyn, please don't cry, it's not a dream. We're alive, we're going to be alive. I'm not leaving you here. And if you were serious, if I didn't misheard you, I - I love you too..."

Jyn realizes that she apparently was talking about her dream aloud, or perhaps in dreams people can read her mind; but then, if it's an insanely happy dream, why is there still a pill in her painfully tightly closed fist? Dying person's delirium or a dream, she may just drop the thing, it won't make a difference to anybody anymore. She'd rather enjoy Cassian's proximity after his love confession, be it all real, a delusion or whatever; and she'd rather tell him whatever she wants to, because it's her kriffing right and duty to tell him loud and clear the truth she owes him.

"I mean what I said. I love you, Cassian, for a long time already"

He shifts and loosens his grip around her; Jyn is able to lean back a bit and breathe more fully. If not for the lack of light, Jyn would swear he's looking at her with those striking dark eyes and she wishes she could look him in the eye too. She chooses different course of action, bold maybe but more logical in this crazy situation of theirs. She simply throws her arms around Cassian's neck to kiss him, but he's faster: Jyn doesn't have to stretch herself higher, their lips meet halfway and it's even more amazing feeling than before. Now his lips are warmer, hot even, and he responds to her kiss with whole of his body. Jyn feels like this time she's allowed to do what she's doing, that it's the right thing to do, not a sneak stolen moment. With that idea she slowly gets up to her knees and melds herself against Cassian, chest to chest, lips to lips; she dies a better, happier person, Jyn thinks.

"Force only knows for how long I've been dreaming about such a perfect moment between us..."

Cassian's admission forces a bitter laughter from Jyn. Only her dying brain can consider this moment a perfect one, put such ridiculous words into his mouth. But then, she's not the one to argue with herself, as being in arms of a phantasm beloved is a pleasant distraction from upcoming death - and she claims Cassian's lips again, with more passion, waiting for the end. The end is not coming though, not in the way she could imagine. There's more of the rubble falling on their heads and shoulders; there's a horrifyingly loud noise, like if the building was going to fall on them completely; finally, there's a huge breach in the ceiling above the wall opposite to them, letting light inside. Jyn blinks furiously; her eyes accustomed to darkness are unable to work properly. She does see some moving shadows outside, but she doesn't care, not with Cassian so close; especially that he doesn't seem to care neither.

"According to heat signatures there's a probability of 81.09 percent that Jyn Erso involves Cassian in actions I do not approve. Please stop for Cassian's well-being's sake, his injuries are severe ones"

From blindness of darkness to searingly blinding daylight, from silence of their grave to snarky comments of a droid she loves to hate, or hates to love: now she believes this is real, it just has to be; this kind of craziness is possible in reality only. Jyn feels how Cassian's lips form a smile under her own lips. She smiles too, but doesn't bother with responding to Kay's whining. Instead, she prefers to fully enjoy what's hers for longer than she could ever suspect, what's more real than she could ever imagine: the person she loves and that loves her back. 

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_A/N2: Again, it all started with an image stuck in my brain, coming out of nowhere together with an overly poetic line that suited surprisingly well for a title. What a pity that my own darkness is just empty._

_You're welcome to visit me for my non-writing activities at DeviantArt. I'm VilDeviant over there, come and say hello :)_


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